Many couples marrying for the second time have
children to consider. Therefore, it is imperative to tell your
children about your engagement first. The Bride's All New
Book of Etiquette suggests telling your children in private,
so they may be able to ask questions if they need to and won't
feel pressured by the presence of others. Only after you have
spoken with your children should you tell your parents of your
plans to remarry.
When children are involved, you will also want
to inform your ex-spouse and former in-laws. If the relationships
are strained, don't feel obligated to have a face-to-face or
even telephone conversation. A simple, gracious note will do.
Gifts and Showers
Today, it is proper for second-marriage
couples to register for gifts. Likewise, bridal showers are commonplace
for such couples. In fact, a shower might give a bride the chance
to include her fiancé's children in the proceedings.
Guests invited to a second wedding are not required
to give a gift to the bride and groom. Many couples already have
two of everything and don't want to add more to an already crowded
household. In Emily Post on Second Weddings, author
Elizabeth Post suggests that if you don't want gifts, say so
discreetly on the invitation. Or the couple may request that,
in lieu of gifts, donations be given to a certain charity.
Please remember that handwritten thank you notes
must be sent as soon as possible after a wedding or shower. Pre-printed
thank you notes are not acceptable in any situation.
Invitations
Many couples marrying for the second time decide
to keep their wedding small and intimate. If this is the case,
the Bride's All New Book of Etiquette says that the couple
need not send printed invitations; a phone call or informal note
will do. However, it is appropriate to send out formal printed
invitations to guests if they will number over fifty.
Elizabeth Post suggests that, for larger second
weddings, it is customary to set aside a certain number of invitations
specifically for the couple's friends. The rest of the invitations
are then divided equally between the two families.
She points out that it is not appropriate to invite
your former spouse to the wedding, no matter how good your relationship.
Inviting your ex-husband/wife might be confusing for your children,
and it will definitely be awkward for everyone else. However,
it
is
appropriate
to invite
your former in-laws if you choose
What's In a Name?
Should a second-time bride change her name? Many
divorced women retain their married name, especially if there
are children from the marriage. Should the bride revert to her
maiden name, retain the name from her first marriage, or change
her name to her new husband's?
Elizabeth Post urges brides in this situation to
thoroughly discuss the matter with their fiancé. Even
if children are involved, most future husbands prefer that their
fiancés not retain the name of their first husband. Some
women choose to use this name as their middle name. But most
decide to revert to their maiden name or take the name of their
new husband.
Some women do choose to retain their former name
for professional use. If you already use a professional moniker,
you may avoid potential confusion on your invitation by placing
your professional name in parentheses after your given name.
Or, if you choose, include an at-home card in your invitation
that clearly lists your name and your new husband's, along with
your address.
Whatever you choose to do, remember to notify your
children's schools, credit card companies, banks, and
other important institutions
Apparel
Today, second-time brides can feel free to wear
almost anything they want at their wedding. Wearing a "real" wedding
dress, as opposed to a suit or simple dress, is fine. If she
wants to wear white, Elizabeth Post gives today's second-time
bride the go-ahead. White is now considered symbolic of joy rather
than virginity. The bride should also feel free to wear a simple
off-the-face veil if she so desires. The only real taboos are
big trains and long veils. These are reserved for first-time
brides.
However, a second-time bride should think through
her apparel carefully. "A woman of forty-plus usually does not
look best in a traditional wedding gown," Ms. Post warns. Instead,
consider a dressy suit, cocktail dress or tea-length dress in
an appropriate color. Appropriate headgear might include a hat,
flowers or a very simple short veil.
The Ceremony
The first thing a couple marrying for the second
time should do is check with their clergy person before planning
the wedding. They will tell you how second weddings are handled
in their religious tradition.
It might be tempting to simply use your first wedding
as a model for your second. And it is okay to create a ceremony
similar to your first. But it's wise to make sure all the details
are different. For instance, choose a different reception site,
different songs and readings, a different honeymoon destination.
This will make your guests feel at ease and will make your wedding
one-of-a-kind.
Consider involving your children in special ways
in your ceremony and wedding. You might want to issue your wedding
invitation in conjunction with your children. Involve them in
the ceremony as bridesmaids, junior bridesmaids, flower girls,
groomsmen, ring bearers, ushers or in escorting Mom down the
aisle. If they feel comfortable in front of a group, ask them
to sing, do a reading or light a candle during the ceremony.
Give them special responsibilities at the wedding, such as overseeing
the guest book or greeting guests. However, don't force the issue
if your children choose not to participate.
A second-time bride shouldn't feel obligated to
have her father walk her down the aisle. She might choose that
option, or have her son or another male relative do the honors.
Many brides today choose to walk down the aisle unescorted, or
with her groom.
The Reception
Second weddings are often small, intimate ceremonies
followed by large receptions. If this is the case, issue a reception
invitation, enclosing a small wedding invitation card for those
invited to the ceremony itself.
Big or small, it's important that
the bride and groom decide on the reception's size together.
Each must be honest
about his or her comfort level as to size, cost, formality
and activities included in the reception. Keep in mind that informal
receptions no longer require formal receiving lines.
Keep in mind
when you are planning your second wedding — it is your wedding
and you should do the things that will please you the most. The "rules
of etiquette" are simply there as a guide. Remember this wedding
is as important as a first wedding and it deserves the same excitement and joy!
